The reply (I finally got one)

OK, so this is baby-bears reply below (please read the previous post) so you will better understand the response from my man-child:

Mama, I didn’t know how I should post my response, or who to share it with at all, and I’m rather lazy at the end of that typing.  So I’m just gonna copy paste it here: 

mama bear, i have found myself with very little mental stimulation since this holiday began. so here I sit with my brain aching for anything to rip apart, ample free time, and several buttons tickled, as you had hoped to achieve. I am going to enjoy this. before I begin I would like to make note of your ability to use Forrest Gump in two juxtaposing metaphors. It's not a big thing, i just enjoyed it. anyway. I feel like there are a few misapprehensions regarding my relationship with friendzones. I seldom find myself in one, and to date, have not yet attempted to wait out the winter in one . on the contrary, I have spent many months as the warden of said friendzone with a guest list that was subject to frequent augmentation, not to brag or anything. I suppose I just proved that I have no shortage of hubris. Alas, pride certainly do cometh before the fall. the river of female interest has been reduced to a trickle, not that I ever really drank from it ( "there is nothing more pleasurable to me than my ardent unavailability" - cant remember who said it) , it was good sustenance for my ever growing ego though. 🤷🏾‍♂️ I should mention that this is no cause for consternation. I won't judge those who dedicate themselves to the acquisition of another's affection, anywhere your heart leads you is indeed a holy journey in my eyes. but the stars in my night sky point me in another direction. I am in no danger of wasting my time chasing an unrequited passion ..... currently . I always speak prematurely and find myself swallowing my own words. but for now your son has his head screwed on straight. despite my efforts, the world of girls remains trite and far too strenuous for my taste. also, the past girlfriend you mentioned serves as an excellent example for my case. i will admit that i think you're right about one thing, best friends like that cannot be platonic, but this argument resides within the grey area between absolutes, along with the rest of all existence. I believe that everyone has a different threshold of intimacy, after which one finds themselves int he region of love. not just the modern perspective of love, but particularly three of the eight forms of love that the ancient greeks described -- Philos, pragma and Agape ( friendship love, enduring soulmate love, and brotherhood) and many people can coexist as friends, good lifelong friends, without ever crossing that threshold. I have plenty of very good friends that I admire, respect and enjoy, but few cross that border. One did. And for the longest time it WAS purely platonic ( it didn't start that way. it fizzled because I had the maturity of a prenatal goldfish ... and she looked like a boy.) and so Philos developed. and it certainly would have stayed that way, had she not rather quickly turned into a girl, and I grew up a teensie bit. but we were in a time of drastic growth and development. had we not grown as we did, we could have stood together at the precipice of Ludus without ever falling. and now, having done all the growing seems possible for now, what now could i have that would push anyone over the edge? what is there to push me over the edge? just turning into a pretty girl doesn't work anymore, as this year has proven. side note: just imagine if she had followed the same advice you've given me. I was all but a lost cause for a long time. by all logic, we should not have dated, given the probability. you're also one of many who have told me about flirting that I have no recollection of one has even dared to say that flirting is my entire personality? its apparently how I treat everyone these days. but i assure you, your son does not flirt intentionally. ( I speak not for the man at the bottom end of a few too many beers.) mama, 'tis not true. consensus does not even equate to cogency, let alone truth. if it did, the earth would still be flat, bleeding a patient could cure diseases, and we would still be burning "witches" that are just good at chemistry. "more than half the planet" may just need to look deeper into minds that do not function like theirs do, and see an entire world of possibilities, where platonic relationships roam free on a round planet. but you're right (I'm saying this twice in one day.... wow), the friendzone is a nasty place that eats away at ones pride and dignity. I shan't be grabbing lattes and listening to boyfriend problems. Even if time existed, I wouldn't have any for that nonsense. later, mama.

The dreaded Friend Zone and the Questionable Platonic Friendship

Friendzone:What’s the deal then –  what does this “  friend-zone  “ really mean?

Do you like ‘ have to hold their hands ‘ when they start acting all girl-interrupted?

Do you just  Forest-gump the situation and stay the  perpetual best friend that holds her fendi bag while grabbing her a skinny, soya mocha latte? Do you suddenly start sharing manis and pedis whilst discussing her latest dillema regarding how her ACTUAL relationship is 

progressing ?

Do guys do this in the hope to start as friends and grown from there because she’s got a beautiful mind or a great rack ?  

I just never want to see you waste your time my son – we only have one life (only the Kardashian have tv re-runs) and you don’t have time for social posturing. My advice would be to unpack where your head is at with said friendzoner and make a decision from there. If it’s not reciprocated then walk away, as in walk until you can no longer see her and then keep going – run Forest run. Of course, any general advice would have exceptions, perhaps she’s jaded because the nasty world made her that way inclined; you’ll have to go case by case I guess. I definitely think you’d be able to tell how sincere she is though, ( women are not as difficult to understand as you have been led to believe). Crop circles and why alien abductions are always in remote areas and aliens never seem to pick humans with particularly high IQ’S - now that has loads of unanswered questions. With women though I think you need to just go with your gut.

Platonic friendships - It is very much my pleasure to call bullshit on this dynamic.

To be clear , I am not talking about the sweet lab assistant with whom you will share a cup of coffee whilst breaking down the specifics of your latest bio experiment . Men and women can be friendly and co-exist rather nicely, That’s how it should be, abso-friggin-lutely but BEST FRIENDS… ? It’s a no from me- “because I have issues of my own” {added in by my friend Angela}.

If I had a dollar for everytime you’ve said “we’re just really good friends” (Such a cryptic non-answer) – I’d be able to retire at an appropriate age boytjie, with a built-in jacuzzi! 

Perhaps it’s just me and you CAN have a ‘girl-friend’.  That would be craze-mazing but I honestly just don’t think it’s possible, and neither does a very large number of psychology polls on human behaviour { Ang again- polls written by woman who have no male friends}. ‘Tis true boytjie – it’s really just NOT possible! (Not that I ever need a second opinion or validation) and sure, it’s just an opinion I share with more than half the planet but my guess is that the basis of this analysis is as sound and real as Cindy Crawfords mole!

One or both parties in your friendship is rooting for more . 

She’s never just going to be a Bro with a Bra  Brah!

I remember one girl-friend and watching your initial interaction ; your Casanova impersonation was on level 10 while you acted very cool in your ‘flirtation-ship’

“We’re just friends mom!”  Yes, and you usually regail friends with more praise than glitter at a gay parade (Nothing against same-sex, just liked the analogy)

It was curious to watch though, and did it end in a relationship ? Well… YEAH!

A study asked over 150 professional men and women what they liked / didn’t about cross-sex friendships. Topping a womans list was sexual tension. Topping a mans was sexual attraction and for them - the prime reason for engaging in the friendship to begin with.  

Fun Fact -  Social network MeetMe ran a poll of over 6500 users and found that 50% of people admitted to fantasizing about sexy time with their friend and nearly 40% reported to actually have engaged in sexy time. 2/3 admitted they would if the opportunity presented itself. – How’dya like them apples! {Ang likes plums}

Dom, this update was mostly for ‘fun’ and you mentioned that you WOULD have an opinion and I do want you to start participating in our BLOG and not just reading it and putting your opinion in your back pocket – I think with this I’ll have sufficiently pushed your buttons to warrant a reply (sneaky right  ? – I know, I’m amazing like that)

The REAL lesson however is that I do want you to know your worth and not waste your time. At the end of the day, all anyone wants to know is “ Am I OK, am I Loved”  by extension, please respect these feelings in another,  as a gentle-male.

Later  my Dear Tresor, I hope all is hella alright in your world and I can’t wait for you to visit

Mama-bear

Friends

Remember when you chose to go to an all boys boarding school and I was like dafuq!? That was so not the plan – in fact, totally anti-plan but you gained not only friends – but brothers for a lifetime. For that I am eternally grateful.

They really do understand you andhave the wisdom to take in all that you are, absorb the good and blow off the rest without a second thought. Buddy, your Owens offer more support than a microsoft 0800 number for truth!

They also know you well enough to be proper honest - no smokescreens!

I can just picture Ted saying “You ever going to shave off that ugly bath mat around your pie-hole? Or err… “Are you gonna keep looking like an affliction reject as a public service for what not to wear to thirsty Thursday?”  But like dude, duuuude– you’ve both been there for each other through situations most adults haven’t had to deal with, you’ve held each other down when you overindulge in life and technicolor yawn (don’t think I don’t know) But yet – for the most part, you generally call forth the very best in each other.

I’ve never heard your mates trash talk each other which is a sure sign that the same is true for you when you’re not in the room. You all know damn well that the need to diminish others when we feel threatened is the mark of a coward, not a hero.   This is not to say that you won’t have disagreements but please never be indifferent or take these guys for granted, good friends truly are rare and get rarer still as you journey through life.

One of the things that used to worry me a lot is ‘Bar fights’ at pubs etc.. (you know, like you see in movies)  I never will understand this phenomenon among men. I am relieved to learn that most conflicts (major or minor)) are being handled like gentle-males. Although your “bro-code’ is strong, you seem to somehow all innately know that brutality is the refuge of the dull of mind and steer clear of these characters for the most part, like there is seriously nothing cool about a broken nose.

So no doubt – through Varsity and thereafter, you will make a plethora of new friends. Eclectic and different though they may be : umm….  Wisdom will see you keep those with very conflicting ideas about life, humanity, politics etc. at arms length perhaps? Please?  Its just easier. What do they say – Birds of a feather flock together, fools seldom disagree, Show me your friends and I’ll tell you who you are etc.. I can go on for a while but I do believe my point is crystal. It’s just been my misfortune to burn my fingers with those very different to myself.

So like I honestly don’t really need to give you any kind of advise, your friends are ah-maz-ing. You will however (on your journey and prolly in a pub) meet OTHERS! lol Dom, there are some blokes out there who humm my lady-balls to death! 

The 20+  ‘Peter Pans’ of the world, a bunch of recalcitrant  man-boys. FML, these are.. umm.... well…(How do I say this?) Some men are born dumb and die stupid! - THERE! - You know the little town I live in and how it has a full blown infestation of creatures like this. I marvel at how they dude-brah-high-5 each other for reaching new lows and instead of picking each other up – their entire ‘friendship circle’ is about – well.. joining in!  Bullshit (like misery) loves company I guess. It’s really sad and honestly just cowardly. You can tell who a real man is easily enough – he wears his tenderness on the outside but his strength and courage at his core. A coward on the other hand displays his harshness and joking bullshit on the outside and his weakness inside. There is nothing you can do to change people like this (the Navaho’s say that you cant wake a man who is pretending to be asleep) so the best is to not burn your fingers in the first place, they rarely WANT to change.

                  

No one is perfect (I get that) and we all veer of track at times, but have friends who will bring you back from the edge of total douche-baggery.

Party friends! (because we all need some of these.) But again, be selective, there needs to be some fear of consequences no?  There are too many who often feel the need for chemical reinforcements, view drinking and womanizing as Olympic sports and get themselves into jail, hurt people on the road, become baby-daddies / procreate-a-nators to nameless women and those who are the proud recipients of oozing, itchy life threatening diseases.  Lookit, maybe they’re just not getting enough oxygen up there where their brains live, but  slow your roll with aligning yourself with these derelicts. I can right now point to a few low slung heads with sunglasses on an overcast day (like literally at the  bar right now) nursing the mother-load of hangovers and trying to remember what they did. Tragic actually. You won’t be missing much (I promise) and the same dumb-ass shit will be there next week (sometimes I think that there are advantages of being blind and deaf.. perhaps mute too) Truly nothing ever changes with these Machiavellian personalities, they stay south of useless and rather than realized that in spite of how hard they run from themselves, everywhere they go –there they’ll be! Addictions and compulsions are nothing more than piraded distraction, masking unpleasant and undeniable truths.  Erm- Im NOT saying that you shouldn’t party like a rock star but choose wisely – even Darwin would agree that some humanoids just shouldn’t breath.

On another note, your friends may not be extreme, but they won’t always be perfect or do and say the right things. Respect them anyway. People also have this knack of living up or down to your opinion of them – so think the best of your friends, help them up and the results will be apparent.

I was going to say – try to have a few “intellectual” friends, those that inspire you and force you to ‘level-up’, but I think you have that covered for truth!  These are the ones that will gather you (all the pieces that you are at times) and will hand you back to yourself in the right order. Sometimes they will need to reinforce sentiments over time, and sometimes it’s as quick as a glass of beer.

I wish you REAL friends baby – those that will ride with you in a Bentley but will also take the bus with you when times are tough. Friends who will never get in the way, unless you were on your way down. I wish you friendships that are the essence of effortlessness.

I'll rise up

Son that I love,

 I watch you (now a young man)  and.. I just… you know… want to say that at the moment, you are very worthy of the skin you walk in every day which warms the ever living shit out of my heart 

Anyway, allow me to speak candidly (I mean, I am typing and can just as well continue, but it’s always polite to ask isnt it?)

Remember when we used to watch tv, and someone on-screen would do something annyoing and I’d give you a life lesson type lecture about right vs wrong?

OK – im not going to do that, definitely-mabey-not!

I’ve just become concerned you know – about what people call Gentlemen. I know so few gentle-males these days and wonder how it went from this to simply  Duuude or Dudebrah!  It can’t be that half our male populas just isn’t being raised right surely?  Err….  perhaps modern pressures / millenial-infliction somehow gives an alarming number of men a grandious sense of self and very little afterthought or sense of responsibility. A sort of Peter-pan syndrome. We chatted about this remember. I was pissed that I couldn’t patent the phrase last week.

Perhaps it’s been around for an age, this  “I am an island and can do what I like crap” and I didn’t notice because we were playing spiderman before this but, fan.my.fucking.brow – there is an epidemic of recalcitrant-man-boys at the moment! The world is going into the shitter! Like im not judging (ok – I SO AM) but its more just.. concern.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want you to become the male version of Adele or a youth pastor singing kumbaya or anything,  but you know… Just please don’t do shit that makes good humans give you the middle finger.

Like -  there is so much social-posturing bullshit going around, its like free candy at halloween (speaking of haloween, are you going to a party?) Sorry – where was I? 

Oh – you know, the Guchi-flip-flop -2 chains  /  surfer-boy-till-I’m- eighty type stuff.

The thing about this is ‘fake it until you make it’  and is very true. Your mind starts to wrap around that persona you know? Be an individual - not a poster boy for a dysfunctional society where people can sum you up in 2 seconds and put a label on who you are. On that note, i'm not entirely sold on the “if its not on tight, its not on right,”  or the manbun, colourful socks and ‘what not to do with a razor’ loads of facial hair but hey – no stranger will ever be able to sum you up right off the bat. YOU DO YOU baby! 

I also want you to know that you have a ‘free pass’ Not to be a willing idiot mind you – but we all do stuff we are not proud of, none of us have reached enlightenment and that’s ok.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve woken up going FML! But the thing is that (the situation) is not your final answer and you CAN call a friend (or your mama) however lame that sounds. But seriously. I don’t care how far from grace you fall. Lets put the situation on the table, unpack the crap out if it and find solutions. I never want to be that mother who walks round oblivious to her own blood. You ARE me and I want to KNOW you. Like you will never get a pony or Llama if you crash into someones car after a heavy party night but you’ll get a ‘care-frontation’, a trip to the hospital and car-doctor and depending on the severity of the problem, I’ll hold your hand through a few “round circle plastic chair AA Meetings” but I’LL BE THERE!!! We all will! You have a family  and never have to go through shit in large groups of 1. Never. Regardless of how bad it sounds, I've prolly already done it . twice.  I have my wrinkles for a reason. The 'WTF were you thinking'  will always come after finding the solution and remedying as far as possible.

Now here’s one I battle with too (I really do like fermented grapes) but duuude, alcahol really does break-your-brain. (I am  too right in this!!!)  Just please keep a charged phone (with airtime) and some cash in your bum-pocket and uber home! Then lots of water.  I like just have to say – for the love of all things holy – please choose your company wisely . Things can cluster-fuck very quickly when you are not with like-minded humans. Again – expert advise. Look at me, in deep-africa with a boxer puppy! (doing the sign of the cross) – I rest my case – AMEN!

Girls (don’t roll your eyes like that young man) SO apparently you’ve been single for a while, and that loosly translates into “mom, im not telling you shit”  which is fine, like I can get on-bard with that. But again baby – so complex a topic will never fit into what started as a brief note (lol) But please – stay respectful. Stay sober minded when you are with one, and take care. Take great care. So many men don’t anymore. Take her out on a date, get the damn flowers, see her home safely and if sexy-times happen (cuff the carrot until you put a ring on it).  And be honest (why is this so hard these days?) like never lie – lies are for people who fear consequences so just be REAL buddy – true? 

They are exhausting (Women I mean), mercurial and high maintenance (But low maintenance is whats forgettable right?) and if she’s low maintenance and buckles too easily – err.. can you spell STD? (im just saying!) 

I get that you’re young  and the dopamine-secreting neurons in your brain often go - "Woo-wee, wouldja look at the jugs on that chick!"  

But please don’t become the guy that doesn’t search for a connection and who only searches for temporary entertainment. 

Hook-ups will happen, I get it.  Did you know  that 51 % of the people who had hookups went into it hoping to start a romantic relationship?  And that about 10% percent of hookups lead to committed relationships ?  Moral of the story – even in hook-ups, choose wisely - (preferably without the beer-goggles) and read the fine print  on women because - Terms and conditions always apply.

Wheew, that was awkward right? Sadly I think that this is such a big topic, it deserves its very own section. Lets do a ‘Save the date’ for next week  (I’m SO laughing at you obviously cringing now – you have no idea. I can picture you going Jee-zuz  Chr-st  Superstar - there’s MORE??).

I’m not “shrinking” you baby, I’m just like  “sharing”  and now is when in this virtual state – I throw my hands wide and announce “Discuss!” 

But like – only if you want to or venomously disagree with anything or want to critique my lack of originality and creative flow - I LIKE debates!

In fact – I think we should debate all major topics! ONE . AT . A . TIME.

(True story, I haven’t even had a drop of wine!)

Anyway, I love you my son – you’re a good egg!

Mom